With the selection of John McCain as our nominee for President this year, an old problem has resurfaced that we need to deal with to keep consistency in our message. How do we maintain our Evangelical Christian base? Yes, the nutjobs that we depend on are having a hard time endorsing our nominee for a myriad of reasons, but we must not let the debate sway from our hallmark issues of gays and abortion.

Our research of the doctrines of this particular demographic group have revealed many disturbing planks that must be assiduously avoided:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
This is obviously antithetical to our beliefs as Depublicans, so this must be treated as another third rail. Imagine what would have happened if Larry Craig and David Vitter had been held to this standard during our moment of glory in slapping impeachment on Clinton. The results would have been disastrous. We never would have been able to get him to sign off on our Enron loophole and similar legislation if we had not depleted his political capital by using Monica and the cigar. This issue is best left to Nancy and Steny- their adherence to this tenet and their fear of being exposed as complicit in some of our, shall we say, “extra-legal” maneuvers has so far kept Shrub in power.

You will be judged by how you treat the least among you.
We've had the spin doctors working on this one for years, and still have come up with no alternative definition that would not endorse welfare. Little Billy Kristol suggested that we apply this to height discrimination, but our lawyers shot that one down. Unfortunately, this appears destined to be an endorsement of welfare programs that we cannot yet spin, so avoid this issue with your Evangelical base at all costs, otherwise we'll get stuck endorsing legislation we've been calling socialism for years.

To a foreigner you may charge interest, but to your brother you shall not charge interest.
What kind of wacko thinking is this? Probably best to blame the Jew bankers... and we'd better not remind the Evangelicals that we represent the banking industry, or this one could backfire on us badly. McCain has already dumped Phil Gramm for leaking the fact that the economy is working great for our crowd, now if we can just convince McCain's son to get out of banking somehow... Hold the presses! He just resigned from the board of Henderson Bank, because it is about to fail! Now all we have to do is keep the FDIC from seizing it until after the elections. Somebody get Gramm on the phone and see what he can do to prop this bank up until November.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
Do not go near this verse, people. We're screwed on this one, and there ain't no denyin' it. If you are stuck in a situation where you are absolutely required to give a response, muddy the waters. Under no circumstances are we to debate the value of the Almighty Dollar with those who believe in an almighty god. As a general rule, this topic should remain off-limits, almost anything is preferable, unless you're talking with Catholics, they get it. Hell, they've got just as many skeletons in this closet as we do. But let me re-iterate, there is no good position on this issue; do you really want to forsake Money for a few votes? It's supposed to work the other way around, like it always has. It's not like using the phrase, “my vote isn't for sale” just to up the ante.

Divorce
Okay, so our opponent is on his first marriage and McCain has one divorce. But only one. We can still win the family values argument if we stick to what we're good at- gays and abortion. Dialogue should always be shifted towards our strengths with these people. If the topic veers anywhere near divorce, it is acceptable to acknowledge that Johnny did get a divorce, but stay away from the messy details of it and pivot towards something ubiquitous, like “but at least he's never had an abortion,” which is eminently provable, and should cast aspersions towards Michelle or Hillary, who may still end up on the Democratic ticket, and they would have a hell of a time trying to prove that neither one of them has had an abortion.

That should about wrap up this memo. Gays and abortion. That's it. Several Christian leaders have already blamed both the Twin Towers and Katrina on the gays, so that's our best issue. Keep pressing on gay marriage, and the fact that if we're successful in the next two election cycles, we should be able to sew up the abortion issue once and for all. That should get 'em.

"And yet you just hear this constant whining, complaining about the loss of our competitiveness.  American decline.  We've never been more dominant.  We've never had more natural advantages than we have today.  We've sort of become a nation of whiners."

What the hell did I mean when I said that?  Well obviously I'm speaking for us Depublicans.  We're doing great!  Corporate profits have never been better.  Government control has been shifted to the populace.  Government shouldn't regulate business.  It should regulate the people.  This is one of the natural advantages that we now have that I was referrring to; the government is shelling out the money to us now, instead of the kids and the poor people.

Hell, we can get anything we want from this current government, no-bid contracts, no oversight, and cash sent to us on pallets, that can of course get lost.  We've got a President in charge of the countryrunning interference for us , and will veto or block and stonewall any investigations into any fraud, waste or abuse in our government contracts.  We've got a Court systemthat will stand up for us and throw out huge chunks of jury awards for even our most blatant disregards for safety or environmental policy.  We've even bought enough Senators and House members that they won't allow any talk of another Church commission.  And you know, I slipped in a lot of loopholes for us before I left Congress.  I even got them to rewrite the bankruptcy laws for us a few years ago so that it makes it easier for us to "restructure" through bankruptcy, while at the same time making our accounts receivable departments more solvent by making it harder and less beneficial for those deadbeats we laid off to declare bankruptcy. On top of that, we've even shifted the tax burden to the poor.
 

Talk about dominance and natural advantages!  Times have never been better for us.

Stop your damn whining! This is our time!

Phil

PS: I'm resigning my post as co-chair for McCain because I need to spend some more time lobbying for my Swiss banker buddies.  Seems some uppity Congressman are hauling them into testify about our tax "restructuring" accounts in their banks.  We gotta' put a stop to this, and my fellow Depublicans need me.